“I am the miracle.” ~Buddha
Sitting here trying to focus on that thought. I believe it, I really do. I know it, and have complete faith in it. But right now I just don’t feel it. Don’t know why. It’s not something I can put my finger on specifically – at least not yet. It’s just a vague emptiness within me.
Much of the time these days I feel lost. Spinning all alone in the infinite. Not at all in touch with the Source within me. I tend to focus on what I think I lack in my life (money, romance, health, etc.) and forget to appreciate what I already have. I wanna try to do better with that. Wanna try to start looking for miracles in every day things. Or that’s what I SAY I wanna do. I start with the right intention, and I can hold it for a little while. But then I crash back down to “reality.” Even though I know that I create my own reality every day, and that, by focusing on it, I’m just creating more of what I don’t want. But my mind drifts… like a leaf floating down a river. Sometimes it’s a lazy river ride, with mostly just vague feelings of dissatisfaction that my mind centers on. Other times, it hits the rapids and seems to spin dizzily from one discontented topic to the next.
Money, or the distinct lack of it right now, seems to be the most frequent trigger of this discontentedness. And from there, it spirals… “No money” always leads to “not able to work.” With that thought comes the feeling of worthlessness. The world identifies us by our profession in so many ways. And when you have to admit that you don’t work, the world doesn’t know what to do with you it seems. You never realize how much you identify yourself with your job until you can no longer do it. People are always shocked when I tell them how lucky they are and that I miss being able to work. I miss the feeling of productiveness. I miss being good at something. I was good at it. And now I have nothing to be good at.
After lack of money my thoughts turn to the illnesses. Two out of the three are so vague and undefined that doctors don’t know what to do, the government doesn’t have disability guidelines for them yet and I’m left wondering sometimes if it’s all just in my head. I spend so much of my time these days just waiting to feel better. It’s disheartening to think that I may have another 40 years to spend this way.
From there, my thoughts detour to the distinct lack of love in my life. Not from my family. They love me and always have. I’ve never doubted their love for me nor mine for them. And not friendships. I have those. Lots of those. But most of my friends these days are so far away. I had to leave them all behind. And the illnesses keep me locked up most of the time so that it often seems I’ll never make friends here in my new (old) location. But more than that, I have a deep sucking whole in my heart that longs to be filled with the kind of intimacy that you can only get with that one person you share your everything with. Six months isn’t that long to be alone, I know. I’ve gone longer. But I often fear that my lack of money and health will keep me from ever being with someone again. Plus, the lack of activity and the emotional, depressive stress-eating have also caused a weight gain, which does its part to contribute to my fears of remaining alone.
Where does one go from here? Abraham says that, if the universe has the wherewithal to instill the desire within you, it has the ability to bring it to you. You just have to believe. Truly believe. Unendingly and unerringly. Which brings me full circle to my original thought. I AM the miracle. I just need to believe it. And feel it. And start living like it.